It's been a rough couple of days for me emotionally. Some people in my life are slowly destroying themselves and there's absolutely nothing that I can do about it. Yesterday was my day to be sad, and man, did I take advantage of that. I cried, which I haven't done in a really long time. I wrote some stuff that ended up sucking and being unusable and it didn't even make me feel any better. I desperately wanted a candy bar. I wanted to drink myself into a stupor. I was dying to hit up Starbucks and drown myself in a venti peppermint mocha (my favorite thing ever -- also, 560 calories).
But I didn't. Instead, I watched America's Next Top Model with Izzy, read Jane Eyre, drank black coffee and I got through the day. So I think I might be a superhero.
Life is too short to not celebrate these tiny accomplishments, even if there are bigger things, massive things, that feel like they're crushing your entire life and stripping you of everything you are and everything you've ever tried to do. You'll survive. You always do. That is worth celebrating.
I'm using this mess that is my life to make myself a promise: No matter what happens to me, I'm never going to stop improving myself. I'm always going to be proud and strong, and even on the days when everything feels like it's going to shit, I'm going to smile and remind myself that it could always be worse, and at least I'm doing everything that I possibly can. That's all I can do.
Anyway!
I have lost 4 lbs and that means I only have 1 more lb to lose until I hit my before-Thanksgiving goal!
That turkey will be well-deserved. Turkeys around the globe should be trembling. Get ready, turkeys.
The first time I ever picked up a Postsecret book, I was a tragic, fat high school nerd. I wasn't really picked on in high school (though after middle school, I still prickle every time anyone around me whispers -- I'm 22) but I was no kind of prom queen. I had a great group of friends, but I wasn't particularly popular. I was strong and bright and funny, but I'd never had a boyfriend. And in high school, nothing mattered to me more than that.
I fell in and out of love like it was going out of style, told myself that this one would be different and he will see me for the wonderful person that I was. It never happened.
When I saw this secret for the first time, I sat cross-legged on the floor of a Borders in The Woodlands, TX, and I ached. This girl was me. This girl knew exactly how I felt, I knew it, and I agreed with her so wholeheartedly, it was as if I'd scoured my Cosmo Girl for a skinny model's body to write on, taped the picture to a note card and sent it in myself. I truly believed that the only thing holding me back in life was my weight.
As it turns out, I was wrong, duh. My weight itself was not the problem. The problem was the fact that I never made a move to alter my situation. I sat around and blamed it and I could have done that until I was blue in the face, but in the end, I'd still be overweight. I had much bigger problems than that.
Being skinny wouldn't have made me irresistible to my ideal man, just the shallower ones who probably weren't worth my time, anyway. Being skinny wouldn't have gotten me better grades or made me any cleverer or more beautiful. I had to learn to love myself before anybody could ever love me properly, and as cliché as that is, even though you've heard it 3 trillion times in movies and books and on television, it's true.
I really don't know where I'd be if I'd never learned that the most important person in my life is me. I'm a happy, independent (ish) college senior. I'm so excited to face my future with confidence and to attack and wrestle to the ground every obstacle that will ever present itself to me; that includes, of course, my weight. I'm so freaking proud of myself for finally doing what I've always put off in favor of fear of failure and ineptitude. I will be what I've never been, and I can't even explain how incredible that makes me feel.
So here's the breakdown: Since coming back to school, I've lost 9 lbs. Only 1 more until I reached the half-way point of my by-Thanksgiving goal! If I could achieve all of this in just 1 month (and keep in mind that I'm gaining muscle like a boss and muscle weighs more than fat), who knows what the hell else I can do? Take on the literary world and absolutely own at everything I've ever wanted to accomplish, hopefully, and even if I can't do that, I'm confident that this whole experience will mold me into a greater human being. (PS: For those of you who don't know, I'm a creative writing major -- writing is my thing, yo).
Boys aren't the answer. Boys aren't the goal. Boys are nice, but in the end, all that matters is me and being happy inhabiting my own skin.
Also! Unrelated! Halloween is coming up. You guys know what I look like, so you know I've bleached my hair and cut it short and that I'm totally adorable, so I'm posing a question: I want to be a celebrity for Halloween. Who should I dress up as? I'm considering Kelly Osborne, but I'm open to and kind of relying on your suggestions! Comment here or drop me a note on Facebook! ♥
I talk a lot of cool shit, but you guys are absolutely what keeps me going in this whole endeavor and in life in general. I'm so thankful for all of you who have always supported me and supported me since I started this silly little blog. You're the bestest.
So friends that I didn't even know read my blog have been pestering me to update. And I am eternally grateful to them. Because I am a lazy fucker, apparently, when it comes to this kind of stuff. So here's an update!
I know I missed the weigh-in day I've set for myself, but it took me and Izzy 9 years to buy a scale, but since we have and since I've started working out at school, I've lost a whopping 7 lbs! Proud of me.
This whole thing hasn't been without its tribulations, though. For example: I've discovered that I hate most vegetables. I've been in vegetable denial for a while now. Whenever somebody accused me of being too picky, I'd maintain that I like a lot of vegetables, thank you very much, just not this one in particular.
I'm a total liar, hahaha. But as Izzy is the queen of passive-aggressive disapproval, I've been choking down carrots even though I hate them and trying to eat spinach even when I'd rather not, etc. (For the record, I like spinach. But I have to be in the mood for spinach. And this is why I am a Fat Chick).
I've also been drinking exclusively water and my workouts are growing more and more rigorous, which I'm enjoying immensely. It really helps to have somebody to go to the gym with me, even if she is my insufferable roommate.
So uuuh, other than that, no news to report! Next entry will include a progress report and some delightful introspection. GET READY. Are you ready?
I'm back at school and utilizing the awesome (free) gym.
My calves feel like they're about to explode out of my legs. It's niiiice.
It's my birthday! I'm 22-years-old today!
I like bullet points.
So being back at school is doing absolute wonders for my ludicrous body adventure. The worst thing I've eaten since getting back last Thursday was a single oatmeal cookie. It was delicious. But not delicious enough, HAHA. My dark passenger insists I watch cake challenges on the Food Network and it's absolutely excruciating, yet somehow I am managing to be continuously awesome.
Izzy (that's my roommate) has been a very good Jiminy Cricket. She all but slaps me when I reach for something without reading the nutritional facts and doesn't hesitate to boss me around when it comes to our shared diet. My 20-lbs-by-November goal seems so much more attainable to me now that I can be super hardcore about all this business. Goals are important. Goals are encouraging. I'm going to kick the shit out of my goals.
It's been like, 30 years since my last update. I don't even remember when my last weigh-in was. I could offer excuses, but to be honest, anything that I could say that'd paint me in an innocent light would be complete horseshit. (Side note: Really, BlogSpot? 'Horseshit' is a word, but 'BlogSpot' is a typo? Hilarious).
Here's a fact: I've been sucking out loud lately. I haven't been working out because school ate up the last half of my summer and by the time I got home in the afternoons, all I wanted to do was take a shower and pass out. Also, my brother just returned from a year in South Korea, so beer, quintessentially American foodstuffs and inactive afternoons of cartoon-watching were unavoidable.
Here's another fact: I go back to Santa Fe tomorrow, so things will change. I will have access to a free gym (though the sexy soldiers I've been ogling all summer will be replaced by dirty hippies) and I'll be buying my own groceries, assisted by some bitch who lost a ton of weight this summer herself and looks fabulous (and a little bit like Justin Bieber). So things will turn around. They have to.
And finally: I present to you, readerz, a short-term goal. By Thanksgiving this year (that is, November 25, 2010) I will lose 20 lbs. This is doable if I stick to my guns and stop being stupid. So this Friday I will be weighing myself for my personal benefit and on September 3rd, regular weigh-ins will resume. Thank you guys for being so supportive even though I've been so dedicated to being awesome at sucking. ♥
So my darling friend Anna Smith alerted me of this article about our favorite guilty pleasure, Pretty Little Liars. Now, I've already mentioned that Ashley Benson is the absolute opposite of a Fat Chick, and uuuh...it's pretty obvious:
"'I put the fat suit on, and honestly, I almost started crying when I started saying my lines...I felt so sad for her, when she’s asking Sean to go to a party with her, and he’s looking at her like she’s crazy. And he’s trying to be sweet to her. I know what it’s like to have the courage to just talk to a boy, and honestly, tears were welling up in my eyes while I was doing the scene, because I felt so bad for her.'"
QUICK. Someone please explain to me why Fat Chicks are supposed to have low self-esteem! Seriously. Asking guys out really isn't that hard if you approach it with confidence, and if they guy looks at you like you're crazy, he's probably not worth asking out, is he?! Yikes. There should be a disclaimer at the end of this article: "Disregard statements of skinny actor; she doesn't know any better."
In other news, I've hit yet another clothing-related milestone. I only own one belt, as those of you who know me know well ("My fucking pants are falling down." "Damn it, hang on, I need to pull my pants up." "I should invest in another belt.") Said belt is now too big. I have run out of holes and have to make my own in order to tighten it to suit my needs. WOO.
Unfortunately, I don't have much else to say. Things have been kind of kooky and busy around the homestead these days, so I haven't had a normal week or weigh-in in a while. Back on track on Monday, see you then!
560 calories).
